The Story of Levi - Part Three (Diary entries from pregnancy)

Aiden was the name I had chosen for Levi at first. I wrote a few diary entries to him while I was pregnant. I feel that sharing tidbits from diary entries is the best way to go over what happened. You don't get all the details but enough of them.



July 19th, 2008
    
Dear Aiden,
"I want you to have the best life possible.  I wished for you a happy family but I feel that it just won’t work out that way.  I love you with all my heart.  I know we can make it on our own."

"I’m miserable without your dad in my life.  Every day is a struggle to not break down and cry.  I love him so much.  It’s hard to not get that love in return.  I have many regrets but then I think about how if I hadn’t made the decisions that I’ve made, I wouldn’t have you on the way.  It will be hard but we’ll get through it.  I’ll be here for you every step of the way."



July 25th, 2008

Dear Aiden,
"I just got home from spending time with your dad for the first time in two months. I didn’t think he’d let me see him but he did.  It felt different between us.  I was actually shy and almost giggly.. that isn’t me.  Once we got past all of the awkwardness, I was able to bring up how I feel about your dad and we were able to talk about you.  He took what I had to say very well.  He told me that he’ll make steps to get our relationship back, that he misses me and that he still cares about me.  Your dad saw my stomach for the first time since you’ve grown so much and felt you kick for the first time too! We even discussed names.  I like Aiden Finn Jacob and he says he wants a more manly name and only Jacob for the middle name.. no Finn. We’ll see what we come up with together! I am anxious to find out what ends up happening to your dad and I.  I hope we’re able to work things out and be together like I know we’re meant to be.  We’re both just really confused right now and stressed out with you on the way.  It’s a lot to handle for teenagers. I hope you can forgive us."


July 27th, 2008

Dear Diary, 
"Aaron slept over last night."
(Sorry Mom, you were out of town..)


August 27th, 2008

Dear Diary, 
"I sorta freaked. I didn’t cry though or throw a tantrum. This was an internal freak out."

"Does he really care about me? He still won’t hold my hand. He’s only said I love you once. But he’ll kiss me. That means he cares, right? No. I really don’t think so. It’s easy to fake a kiss."

"I tell him that I’m unhappy and it was the last text I could muster before passing out. I wake up to a thunderstorm that matched the way that I felt when I realized that he never texted me back after that. I drove him nuts. Too nuts. Now what do I do?"

"Being with him is hard. It’s almost just as hard as it was to not have him in my life for the first 5 months of my pregnancy. The whole “relationship” we have is just too confusing for me. There should be nothing confusing about two people who “love” each other."

"I definitely need to be more easy going and happy. I was never like that normally and being pregnant it’s especially harder to try to bring those things out in me. I’m stressed to the max being pregnant. Never does a second go by where I’m not worrying about something or thinking about the future."

"I don’t want to give up now. We’ve been through so much together and I just can’t let him go.. I'm texting him."


September 11, 2008

Dear Aiden,
"Your dad is back to not talking to me. We were “together” for a little over a month and a couple weeks ago he said he “needed a break”. So, we spent a few days apart and then he decided that he just couldn’t handle this. We haven’t talked since."


September 22nd, 2008

Dear Baby,
"I’m pretty sure I’ve chosen a different name for you.. Levi. It’s a Hebrew name that means “united as one” and in the Bible is the name of Jacob’s son. Which fits perfect! I see you as the mold between three families: my Moms, my Dads, and your Dads family. Also, your Dads middle name is Jacob (which will also be your middle name). Your Dad didn’t like the name Aiden because he said it “sounds like the mom named him”. I don’t know if he’ll like the name Levi but he gave me full responsibility in naming you."


October 15th, 2008

Dear Levi,
"Well, I had a doctor’s appointment today and I found out that I’m 1 cm dilated! Maybe you’ll be here early! I’m 5 weeks away from my due date! Will you be a halloween baby?! That might be too early.. it would be fun though :-) Next week Grandma Lisa and I are doing our shopping run so that I can get packed for the hospital and be ready for when I go into labor. I’m so excited for you to be here! You have no idea! Chase and Addy have been touching my stomach a lot lately and feel you kick all the time! They’re just as excited as I am!"


October 17th, 2008 (Levi was born 5 days later)

Dear Diary,
"Am I over Aaron yet? I think I am. But then again I’m not sure. I haven’t had the urge to text him in a couple weeks now (with the exception of updating him after my doctor appointments). I did send him a message today on Facebook though. It wasn’t out of me missing him but just to get an understanding of where he stands with all of this. I need answers from him. Will he come to the hospital when Levi is born? Will he be in the room when I’m giving birth? Does he want to be a part of this at all? I told him that I would understand and won’t hold it against him if he doesn’t want to be a part of this with me. I started to cry while I was typing my message to him though. The tears surprised me."

"I miss him more than words can describe. My heart is still in shreds. The most painful part of the process is over though. I don’t get angry or jealous when I see pictures of him online anymore. I don’t think about what he’s doing and get angry or jealous. I’m letting him live his life without being bothered by me and I get comfort from that. I feel mature and strong to be able to accept how he feels and respect his wishes."

The Story of Levi - Part One

Aaron and I in February 2008

It was my sophomore year in high school when Aaron and I started dating. He was a freshman. It was an on again off again relationship with a couple boyfriends to fill the space in between. We had some bad times (okay, maybe too many bad times to count) but no matter how bad it got we always seemed to find our way back together. At least until spring 2008.

I’ll never forget this time in my life. It was senior year right before spring break. I didn’t have any big plans. Aaron and I were “on” and I just figured we’d do the usual and bum around with his friends while I do all the driving and we chain smoked. But then I realized that my period was late. It was NEVER late. I was sorta kinda on the pill. We sometimes used protection. Let’s be honest here.. we were IDIOTS. Idiots that felt they were invincible. So yes, I instantly knew there was a chance I could be pregnant.

I remember approaching my mom in the kitchen and giving her a casual heads up. It went something like this, “My periods a day late”. Definitely not something a mom wants to hear her daughter say at this age. I decided that if I didn’t get it by the next day I would take a test. So then it happened. The first day of spring break my senior year of high school. I had pregnancy tests waiting. I woke up and went outside to smoke what I knew was going to be my last cigarette. I never wanted that cigarette to end. My mom was at work. My step dad was home along with my 3 young siblings. I snuck myself into the bathroom with the box of tests hidden in my shirt. I remember it taking forever to get up the courage to take the test. I was shaking, sweating and my heart felt like it was beating in my throat. I knew it was going to be positive but I wasn’t pregnant until it was clear to me on the stick. And sure enough, the time wasn’t even up yet and there it was. Positive. I instantly started sobbing and fell to the rug on the bathroom floor. After the shock set in a little I go into my room and dial my moms number. Once she picked up and all she could hear was crying she instantly knew. I didn’t say a single word. Just cried. All she said was, “I’m on my way home”.

There’s no way to describe the way I felt, how it felt when it hit me that there is a baby growing inside of my body. I’m 18. Still in high school. Cheering for the boys Varsity basketball team. Working as a host in a restaurant. Aaron was 16. With no license. Working at a fast food restaurant.

When my mom got home she just sat with me on my bed and let me cry. The first thing she said was “You know how much I wanted to have more kids but you didn’t have to go and have them for me!” She tried to lighten the mood and her words gave me such a relief. I was worried she would be mad. Which would have added so much more stress to an already stressful situation. I really am thankful for how my mom handled things.

My mom told me that whatever it is I wanted to do she would support me 100%. In my head I didn’t have a decision to make. I had the support of my mom, a loving family and the strength to raise this baby. Adoption was out of the question and abortion just simply wasn’t an option. I was going to have this baby and do my absolute best at raising him.

Aaron was at work while all of this was happening. He didn’t have his license so I was picking him up. News like this is something I knew I had to tell him in person when I got there.

Nothing could prepare me for what happened next and the days to follow.